practice tests

yes, I'm talking about the GRE again. how boring.

this whole grad school thing is still a big if. a plan B. or at least a plan A.2... but still, it's an if I'm trying to happily work toward. so that means studying. it means filling my head with mathematical tricks and memorizing lots of vocabulary. and it means practice tests.

the verbal reasoning section doesn't worry me. I'm good at those.

and the analytical writing sections don't worry me. I'm good at those too, aren't I?

what worries me is the quantitative reasoning. math! I used to be good at math. really, I was once quite capable of doing math. but the last math class I was in was a tiny little 7 a.m. calculus III, way back in 2002. since then, my understanding of percentages and fractions and exponents has suffered severely damaging oxidation.

I have three and a half weeks to prepare for this silly exam. is that long enough? it will just have to be. I really don't want to pay another $50 to reschedule.

my plan is to study mainly math problems and vocabulary words, and take a full practice test every week before the actual test. somebody out there needs to be really proud of the thought that I--a person who never usually has to study for anything ever--have put into this schedule. I hope it all makes a difference.

the part I haven't really practiced at all yet--not even once in the whole year and a half I've been "studying for the GRE"--is the writing. I've been a bit lazy about that because... well, it's writing. it's what I love. but I should still practice. so here's where I ask you, my lovely little audience, for a little external motivation. here are the links to a bunch of sample questions which may appear on the analytical writing section of the GRE: first the Issues, and second the Arguments. I just need you to give me three of each. please? pick your favourites. scroll randomly and pick a few with your eyes closed. either way. let me know in the comments, and maybe I'll post some of my practice essays on the blog. we'll see.

back and forth, up and down

I am going to ace the GRE on thursday.

yes, that is the story I'm telling myself. I'll adjust the definition of 'ace' later on if I must. cross your fingers that I won't need to.

and once that gargantuan standardized test is overwith, I'll be facing a slew of other things to check off this disorganized list of mine. I've been waiting and waiting and waiting so long for so many of these things. and it's hard to tell which things I can do more than wait for and which things I can't. none of it's easy. every week there are things you've learned to count on and suddenly those things change. or they disappear. or get complicated. or stop making sense. or move out from under you. or just get forgotten.

{ image by this kind soul on flickr. }

it's easy to get scared. anger and fear can drag themselves through you as if you were nothing. doubts can carve holes in you like you were made of soap. and what can you do? there are a million things you can't anticipate. a million things that won't be anything like what you expect (even if you were once exceedingly sure about them). and a million things that you just don't know. and maybe it's impossible for you to know them.

my dad told me this weekend that those million things should be exciting. they are a million things you get to find out. a million things you get to learn.

{ image by another kind soul on flickr. }

I resolved back in January to be a little more excited about life. I guess I wanted to hold on to the sense of optimism I'd come across so unexpectedly last summer, and I figured that filling my head with things to be excited about (even the smallest of things: yoga class. the brilliant view from this quiet little library. learning the lyrics to an awesome new song.) would do something to keep it alive, even if just barely. has it worked? maybe.

the word optimism is related to the word optimum, which means the best possible. to see the best possible world in the world that you're living in... that's quite a skill. sometimes it takes a lot of patience to find bright, happy things in this dreary world. sometimes it takes effort to change your perspective and refocus on all the good things instead of the things that are missing or lost. it takes patience, and determination, and faith, before you can take the brutally unchangeable circumstances you're given and envision something wonderful and worthwhile happening in spite of them, or even because of them.

{ and this one is also from yet another kind soul on flickr. }

almost everything is temporary. so even if right now you can't see anything at all anywhere that could be called the best possible, you can imagine a moment in the future where everything is different, can't you? a future where you've found some answers and made some decisions and vanquished some demons. even if nothing else changes, you can change. you can keep looking up. you can say something. you can move. you can pray. you can write. you can give. you can turn around. you can run. you can adjust a few definitions, adjust a few expectations. you can wait. just don't ever give up on finding the best possible.

I know it's out there. I just hope I recognize it when it gets here.

things I am too busy to blog about

it's thursday already, and my weekend is going to be spent traveling, visiting, and playing dress-up. but I can't just let the end of october go by without composing something, no matter how little thought-out.

so here is a list, culled from the unfinished drafts sitting around behind the scenes of this little blog:

- ideas that I may never stop arguing about (in my head or otherwise) with people

- some thoughts William Gibson had concerning writing and the internet

- this guy and his adventures with ink and paper

- my opinion of Kevin Guilfoile, whoever he is

- the reasons for having family reunions

- how sad I am about this, even though it happened a good eight months ago

- several gushy Sherlock Holmesian bits, with a small dash of Dracula on top

and I'm promising I will get to most of those. the Sherlock and the Gibson and the family reunion stuff definitely. and I also have a few backlogged thoughts about things unseen, things unsaid, postage stamps, and what Oscar Wilde wrote about color speaking to the soul ...

if november comes along with a little bit less craziness, I expect I shall be blogging more than I did this month. unless, I'm too busy sketching christmas cards(shall I have another contest this year?), designing a new day-planner(to replace this one), formatting that digital cookbook(for some reason), or studying for the GRE(like I was doing last year before I had a job). we can only hope, right?

unseen universities

a line from one of the plays I was lucky enough to see last month:

"They say a dog sees God in his master. A cat looks in the mirror."
    - Dog Sees God: Confessions of a Teenage Blockhead

which are we? dogs or cats?

tonight there was a bit of discussion about blindness (the spiritual kind.) it brought to mind a few thoughts I've been stirring around off and on, all sprouted from the strangeness of the word 'problematize.' sounds vexing, doesn't it? a verb that essentially means to make problems? why on earth would you? to go around creating problems? isn't that crazy?

problematization is a word academics throw around like candy. we just can't take anything for granted, see? we've got to pick everything apart (which metaphor reminds me of a song by that brilliant fellow Joss Whedon, which I remember hearing on the radio once, long before I'd ever heard of Dr. Horrible) and ask a million questions. the questions only spawn more questions. what are we really trying to do?

we could problematize mirrors (the camera, the glass, this screen, calm water). what are they telling us? why do we believe them? does it matter who the fairest one of all is, really? and we could problematize our masters (our day planner, our boss, our friends, our biology). what are their motives? who are they working for, or against?

I do love questions, but do I love problems? (is there a difference? hm.)

maybe problematizing doesn't mean creating problems, but unearthing them. (is there a difference? hmm.)

but problems that don't actually exist and problems that we simply can't see don't look any different, do they?

mirrors. gods. invisible cats. hmmm.

speaking of plays, my silly little one-act script was rejected and my consolation prize was ten minutes with three members of the theatre department faculty. I thanked them (in a hopefully gracious manner) for their feedback, which in case you are curious, included words like "maddening," "Seinfield-esque," "circular," and "obtuse."

but they did encourage me to submit again next year.

I need to keep writing.

this is my new notebook of graduate school research. I'm going to need $265 of application fees for my birthday, plus however much the ETS wants for sending my GRE scores to four new universities, plus however much my alma mater and my alma-mater-to-be want for sending transcripts all over the country.

why?

there are a million more unanswerable whys behind that one, so maybe it's best to leave the seemingly inexorable gravity of a phd un-problematized.

stop trying to be clever

I know I'm not just meant to sit around looking up at the sky. there are a billion other things.

right now hardly ever feels like enough.

so I get restless.

and then I get a phone call. and someone has some crazy idea.

'come live in Salt Lake.'

'let's go to Hawaii!'

'road trip to Canada!'

'road trip to Los Angeles!'

'you could always go to grad school or something.'

or:

'you want to move to Idaho.'

and the restlessness in me decides. why the heck not?

some of these crazy ideas actually happen. I live here. I went to Hawaii. we had a fabulous weekend in Los Angeles.

some of them do not actually happen. other things happen instead. I have not been back to Canada. I have not aced the GRE. I have not moved to Idaho. (yet.)

but I am restless. waiting for something. somehow daring to anticipate...

who is going to call me next? whose crazy idea will it be that I might swallow completely whole?

a better question might be... why do I need other people for crazy ideas at all?

some very official mail

not the greatest picture, I know. but there they are. my actually official on-paper GRE scores. 710 on the verbal, an identical 710 on the quantitative, and a lovely 4.5 for the writing.

so:

if...

unless...

as long as...

some days this plan B seems pretty close. I can see the lofty edges of it against the bright, unreachable sky, and I can almost touch the smooth and flawless ivory stones at the base of the tower.

other days, I can't see anything. I could blame the weather. or my smudged spectacles. but it doesn't really matter the reasons. it's plan B. and the future is inscrutable.

in my very first post about grad school (not counting this ancient one, anyway), I said:

this all might be very pointless.
I'm going to do it anyway.

with every might, there is also a might not. I just have to swallow them both and keep walking. there will be stars to shine on whichever path I end up taking.

self-proclaimed

what's next? I have a shuffling list of Things To Do as deep and insubstantial as a cloud. 1. fix the flat tire on that borrowed bike. 2. review Bekah's and Jen's pages for our writing group next week. 3. don't forget to study for the GRE...

and I've been invited to give a presentation or the Intermountain Chapter of the Society for Technical Communication all about online portfolios, how they contribute to one's online "presence," and how having one can add so much to your professional life. this is quite an interesting development, seeing as how my own online portfolio is crumbly and cobwebbed, not having been updated for practically two and a half years now. I'm working on it. (in other words, it's scribbled down on that list of Things To Do. which instead of looking anything like an actual list, moreso resembles a deck of cards--or perhaps two decks?--strewn all over the carpet. I'm quite sure some of them have gotten irretrievably lost under the sofa.)
anyway, in preparation for this event, which will take place the morning November 14th, up at Weber State (here. in that very room is where I will be, hoping that whatever I have to say will make a small difference, and hoping I can talk loud enough for everyone to hear me), I'm going to ask my fairly small readership what they think. a small survey, if you will. and even if you don't think I'm talking to you, I would be happy to have at least some kind of response from everyone who reads this.

- what counts as part of one's online presence and what doesn't?
- what examples have you seen of individuals or groups who have a strong online presence?
- what elements of those people's or groups' portfolios or websites make the most difference in how we see, appreciate, or interact with them?
- what would you say about your own online presence?
- how does your own facebook/blog/twitter/website/portfolio make a difference for you, your business, or whatever it is you do?
- what are you able to accomplish as a result of investing in these various electronic platforms?
- is it worth it? are there any drawbacks?

a few people I've come across who have absolutely gorgeous online portfolios: Meagan Fisher, Kevin Cornell, and Cameron Moll. of course, the concept of a strong online presence is up for interpretation here. there are so many solidly separate spheres of existence in this giant internet place. so people I think are completely famous may be people you've never heard of. naturally, my list of people with gorgeous portfolios leans heavily toward the design side of technical communication. I'll have to start looking for some outstanding examples from the plainer, black-and-white side of the spectrum.

thanks in advance for all your thoughtful answers. feel free to leave a response in the comments here, or email me. facebook me. whatever you like, eh?

up to the minute

today, this darkening thursday evening, the following unfinished things are twisted around my fingers and dangling from my wrists like slightly damp seaweed:

this very blogpost
approximately two dozen cream puffs
one skull-shaped piñata
The Sense of Paper, by Taylor Holden
this presentation thing
a novel with only a tentative title
Starcustard chapter 10
training on our new library software
studying (still) for that GRE

and hovering around it all are vague mists of potential--fleeting ideas for halloween costumes, procrastinations involving almost everything, wish-lists and shopping-lists and eventually-lists, swarms of questions about automobiles, nebulous visions concerning flight plans and christmas shopping.

but first...

there's always a but first.... always some condition or prerequisite.

speaking of shopping lists, this is pretty interesting. somebody tell me what knuppelbrotchen means.

midterm excerpts

fuel coffeeshop. a few Fridays ago.
not pictured: Divining a Digital Future: Mess and Mythology in Ubiquitous Computing, with accompanying notebook and pen.

somebody asked me the other day what mind-mapping software I liked to use.

I muttered and gestured to all the notebooks in my bag. paper, of course. not sure it counts as software, being made of dead trees, but whatever. I map things into my mind using paper. that way I can doodle in the margins or write sideways or crisscross crazily between this note and that note. for example: the first leaf of the blue spiral notebook I've been keeping notes in this semester has some boxes, some circles, a sketch of an envelope, some numbers, some squiggles, an octothorpe, a non-existent email address, one question mark, four arrows, the word ungrateful in all caps, and the advice to Sing in Your Own Voice, followed immediately by the words blue ink in parentheses. on the verso, there is an overwhelming amount of math. I'm pretty sure all of this was written in late 2010 or early 2011, when I was studying for the GRE.

the rest of that blue spiral notebook is now full of notes from this very fall, 2014, my second year at Purdue University. I've had to start a new notebook mid-semester, which I guess is what comes of using one already half-used-up notebook for three different seminars + lectures + practica. because it's midterm-time, and because looking back at these notes might be a useful thing to do as I begin writing proposals and papers and essays and project reports, and because this blog needs more academic nonsense plastered all over it, here are some snippets from it. they don't always transfer very well to this stringent, linear, typographic medium. ah well. I can add hyperlinks to this version though, so that's something.

what does this mean? more money for ____ / quality +
find out the impact ★ 

agonism / movement
metis / arete / kairos / phusis / hexis

observing with no aim other than
normal/everyday
interaction
why that now
what next

ignoring ≠ not noticing ★ 
how to become sensible to things that are unremarkable? [doodle of fish under water]
ethnographers must join the fish but also remember what water is

tech separating creative process from production process --> bigger businesses
telegraph typewriter filing cabinet railroad copy paper

definitions need definers (+ attendant power structures)
I keep thinking about SUITS.

disconnects between writing/docs and + real expectations
or impossible to articulate things
beyond expertise

work (n)
work (v)
internal + external articulation

writers not writing.
interesting nod to Kant

"elite" / "male" / "western"

nature + functional historical knowledge (a formalist approach)
chronicle > story > mode: plot, argument, ideology

mystical / sociological / cultural models
unities / Weltanshauung, paradigm

★ sentience ★ consciousness
making of the world
torture - "torque"/twisting
terror - "to tremble"/terrible

useful vagueness!
scripts     schema
quantifying "shared knowledge"

rules tacitly learned
instruct > interpret > act > assume > instruct > interpret ....
making the world match the words

digital iterations are quicker
do machine made songs words art get copyrighted?

Taylorism = basic (time) task efficiency -->
Fordism = specialized production
functionalism = prototype prod. line + labor management
art?
passive / normative / or creative / or reactive

could machines cook?

what if actions are our bigger understandings of interlinked systems of interactions all working together? (more philosophically cool)
or we could see interactions as bubbly frothy conglomerations of discrete actions? (more etymologically consistent)

★  ideas precede expression
but we learn names before concepts.....
essence ≠ substance

man = ?
biology?
no immovable boundaries
men make sorts
nature makes qualities/matches

a set of subjects memorizable / polymathical
"tristapaedias"
categories / relationships / authorities

self-evident character of prison
war functioning as if...
prison NOT functioning as if... but pretending to try? <-- a="" br="" does="" how="" media="" play="" role=""> the Last Lecture Randy Pausch

practical advice / ❤ + integrity
"if small faults are to incur such grievous punishments, there can, indeed, be none found sufficiently sever for great crimes." (Edgeworth 245-246)

norms as processes, assumed in forming identities
legible / livable vs unlegible / unlivable lives / spaces
e. exclusion, boundaries exposing limits of constructivism

p 37 - always already material
centering the world symbolically
lack of control = castration

subject
abject

containing multitudes. [I was thinking of Maya Angelou at the time but really, Walt Whitman said this.]
"if the unconscious is the discourse of the Other, the unconscious necessarily exceeds the individual + becomes thinkable as Social + Cultural...

power (opposed to) ornamentation elitist finery
puritan austerity

Com 621 Social Media
Com 605 PW

blending sacred motherhood w/ secular moneymaking

regularity / order / harmony / sense

Beauty   Harmony / this sounds like Hume ^

ch 3 Zuern / "what we seek to master is the control of the cultural meaning of the body ... our offering of our bodies to the world as meaningful" p 62

don't psychoanalyze the elf

I'm studying for the GRE.

yeah.

I never study for anything, usually. I'm one of those people.

But my new goal in life is to get a perfect score on this test. all possible points, all the best answers--all of it. I've always been good at taking tests, so I figure it won't be that much of a stretch.

we found a practice book at the library. one of those Princeton Review things, highly recommended. I like it lots. if I end up writing books like that someday, I hope I can make them as funny as whoever wrote that one did (example: the title of this post, copied straight from one of this book's section headings. isn't that great?).

I'm beginning to realize that this goal of mine is a fairly pointless one. most graduate programs won't care a ton whether or not I have a perfect score on this silly test. but it's just something I want to try. and I'm just cocky enough to think I actually have a chance. seriously.

learning all the vocabulary and things is great fun. it's the math that's gonna be hard.

I'm thinking I'll register to take the test sometime in November. that means I have until then to be deciding on schools to attend, programs to apply for...

again, this all might be very pointless.

I'm going to do it anyway.