notsomisfit

my presence in this world is quite insignificant. yeah, i make a space. a hole full of my very own ideas. so what?

in a previous post i wrote this:

one voice says to me, you can go however far you want.
and my response to that is, how far is that, eh?

another voice says to me, don't try and do too much.
and in response to that i simply stare in wonder, imagining all the muchness there is in the world, thinking, how much is too much? how much is not enough?

and i still believe there are very few set-in-stone answers. and sometimes the questions are all that matter.

so we've been talking about jobs and passions and selling yourself. the job market. marketing again. (i'll never escape). i don't know how much confidence i have. but i know i am not in the majority with my interest in CSS and web standards. i don't know how much knowledge i can pack into my brain. but i know what i want to do. i know where i want to make a difference?

don't i?

well, okay, some of that i still need to sit down and think through. i have so many options.

every option is a door. every door has a key. and keys are just a matter of selling things. rhetoric. influencing that company to think of me in this way and to consider me for that awesomely cool and satisfying position, for which i of course am perfect. it's rhetoric because they can't read my mind. they can't go back in time and watch how well i worked on that one project back in college. they can't tell the future of my professional life. neither can i.

isn't that terrifying?

but i can't just wait around. i have to get all the right keys in my pocket and go out and pick a door. hopefully the one i really want to knock on will open for me.

and then, i know it takes more than hope.

you have to try and tell the future. human beings were built to consider what ifs. so i'll do my research and ask the right questions and the me-shaped hole in the universe will find me when i'm ready to find it. right?