back and forth, up and down

I am going to ace the GRE on thursday.

yes, that is the story I'm telling myself. I'll adjust the definition of 'ace' later on if I must. cross your fingers that I won't need to.

and once that gargantuan standardized test is overwith, I'll be facing a slew of other things to check off this disorganized list of mine. I've been waiting and waiting and waiting so long for so many of these things. and it's hard to tell which things I can do more than wait for and which things I can't. none of it's easy. every week there are things you've learned to count on and suddenly those things change. or they disappear. or get complicated. or stop making sense. or move out from under you. or just get forgotten.

{ image by this kind soul on flickr. }

it's easy to get scared. anger and fear can drag themselves through you as if you were nothing. doubts can carve holes in you like you were made of soap. and what can you do? there are a million things you can't anticipate. a million things that won't be anything like what you expect (even if you were once exceedingly sure about them). and a million things that you just don't know. and maybe it's impossible for you to know them.

my dad told me this weekend that those million things should be exciting. they are a million things you get to find out. a million things you get to learn.

{ image by another kind soul on flickr. }

I resolved back in January to be a little more excited about life. I guess I wanted to hold on to the sense of optimism I'd come across so unexpectedly last summer, and I figured that filling my head with things to be excited about (even the smallest of things: yoga class. the brilliant view from this quiet little library. learning the lyrics to an awesome new song.) would do something to keep it alive, even if just barely. has it worked? maybe.

the word optimism is related to the word optimum, which means the best possible. to see the best possible world in the world that you're living in... that's quite a skill. sometimes it takes a lot of patience to find bright, happy things in this dreary world. sometimes it takes effort to change your perspective and refocus on all the good things instead of the things that are missing or lost. it takes patience, and determination, and faith, before you can take the brutally unchangeable circumstances you're given and envision something wonderful and worthwhile happening in spite of them, or even because of them.

{ and this one is also from yet another kind soul on flickr. }

almost everything is temporary. so even if right now you can't see anything at all anywhere that could be called the best possible, you can imagine a moment in the future where everything is different, can't you? a future where you've found some answers and made some decisions and vanquished some demons. even if nothing else changes, you can change. you can keep looking up. you can say something. you can move. you can pray. you can write. you can give. you can turn around. you can run. you can adjust a few definitions, adjust a few expectations. you can wait. just don't ever give up on finding the best possible.

I know it's out there. I just hope I recognize it when it gets here.