at the very bottom of this page, my title gets expanded into fear for all the things i can't yet do, doubt for all the things i don't yet know, and anger enough to make something of it. these emotions overlap and blend into one another so much that I'm not sure my simplistic explanation there makes much sense. back in university these were feelings I grappled with all the time. something about learning things brings out this beautiful coat of stripes: complete inadequacy up against perilously infinite opportunities.
I've thought about changing the title. I don't really need to... but I am not in the same place I was back then. the stripes have faded.
pondering graduate school and watching friends writhe in the grasping fist of the end of their semesters has brought back vague memories. of course formal education is not the only place to learn stuff, nor to face the chasms of one's own ignorance. the fear, anger, and doubt can come from everywhere. I keep the title because they are emotions I need to accept and face and recognize. if they are my enemies, I want them close.
it is in facing and fighting these shadows that I find their opposites, after all. I cannot enjoy any peace or courage or faith if I do not also taste the fear and chaos. I need them all. fear for all the things I don't yet know and anger for all the things I can't yet do, and also doubt for all the things I can't yet do and fear to drive me out of myself to do them anyway. I can't get away from these things. I must learn to use them.
1 comment:
*sigh* you took the words right out of my mouth
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