taking

i have a job interview tomorrow. the foundation my nervousness rests upon is a question: do i really want this job? can i really do this job? will this job make me a happy person?

okay, that's three questions. i might say the last two are implicit in the first. it all comes down to what i really want, ultimately.

the things you most want are things you work hardest for. if they were easy to take you'd take them and your wanting for them would be crushed by your having of them.

and sometimes you have to take things you aren't so sure you want. like medicine. but you want to be healthy and functioning, don't you? so you pinch your nose and take the stuff. or like insults. but you want to be a kind and forgiving sort of person, don't you? so you stand there calmly and take it. or like the busiest highway into the city. you want to get to that job interview on time and not get lost, don't you? so you suffer the dreadful traffic and take it.

of course, knowing what you want isn't always so simple. especially when you bring in such a fleeting uncontrollable emotion like happiness.

and sometimes you want things you cannot have. perversely. like to fly away. or to not pay taxes. or to be taller.

of course nothing is impossible, they say. but i still hunger.